The Mother's HOW TO on Learning Languages Overseas

Learning Montenegrin with kids at my ankles.

I usually write here about Gardening and homemaking, I am no linguist and I am not fluent...yet! The only reason I am writing it is because when I was struggling and discouraged, I COULD FIND NO MOM TALKING ABOUT TRYING TO LEARN A LANGUAGE, when I googled learning new language with small kids at home, it always went to articles about students or business professionals learning, or teaching children new languages or trying to sell me something. My kid doesn't need help, he's a genius and i don't have any money. 

I was (am) a tired, American, pregnant, stay at home mom who needed perspective and encouragement. So if that's you, I hope you found me!

My story is that I am a missionary in Montenegro, a small country in Eastern Europe that speaks a dialect of Serbo-Croatian. I had a 2 year old and a one month old when we got here and had high hopes for language learning, I mean how hard could it be? 

Now it is 15 months later. I am pregnant with our third, we are leaving soon for 5 month to have our furlough and would like to share with you what helped in my 'first leg' of the language learning process. MY HOW TO learn a new language and working from home with small children. 

First things first, before we start our list I need to whisper in your ear that.. OVERALL VAUGE AND COMPLETELY UNREALISTIC  EXPECTATIONS WILL MURDER YOU. I could write about 12 pages on this one, but I will try and limit it to a few sentences (if you want to read more on my sad experience with this type of slow depressing murder, read here).

The humanitarian organization we work for usually works with 2 year interns. We knew we wanted to be here long-term, but we were still treated with the same intern mentality. We were told 'language learning' for 6 months then get started on other things. 

6 months.

The real problem was I saw no problem with this. So I threw myself at the task with a private tutor, textbook, and a lot of enthusiasm, and after six months I was NOWHERE. SO discouraged! Let me just tell you, It takes longer than 6 months to learn  language. When I realized this, we had discussions with our leaders and they were very gracious with the pace of how things were going. BUT the responsibility was on us to figure out our pace and share that with our organization and others on our team. You may feel you are letting others down, but just be honest and humble, the sting of disappointing others will happen often, but it is only you who can expect too much of yourself! Ditch the fantasy and research how long it will actually take you to learn a language.

1. Set a realistic time table. After a while of disgruntled months of feeling like a total failure, I began to research. Why was French in high school so easy to grasp while the simplest phrase in Montenegrin baffled me. Even Spanish seemed easy to understand... were Montenegrins from outer space? This is where this website did me a world of good. It breaks down the major languages into 4 categories and gives you a realistic time table of how soon you can learn. I saw French and Spanish were level one languages, while Montenegrin would fall in the level 3 category. 

·  Category I – Spanish, French, Italian, Portuguese

·  Category II – German, Indonesian

·  Category III – Hebrew, Russian, Persian, Tagalog

·  Category IV – Modern Standard Arabic, Chinese, Korean, Japanes

Then I looked at my schedule, I mean wrote EVERYTHING DOWN: like Skype calls, team meetings, cleaning, cooking, groceries, husband time, naps...everything. I saw that I really only could give 7-10 hours a week to study language between diapers and church. This puts me at about 4-5 YEARS to learn! Quite different than our 6 month goal.

Also this website was insightful when the task seemed to great.

Basically fluency is achieved on average at 3,000-5,000 words. If I can learn 3 words a day, that's about 3-5 years. But after the initial shock of HOW long that is, came immense freedom, and joy of learning! Maybe you are in language school full-time! that is wonderful! You may learn much faster than me, but always, realistic expectations are a must!

2. STICK TO YOUR GUNS. This one is more towards missionaries than language learners in general. But we as a class of people, missionaries like to have feeling of saving the world. Studying flashcards will not feel like saving the world, so you will find yourself getting distracted by 'ministry' because it feels so good and it is why you came here right? Ministry is great. But I had to learn to see Language learning as my ministry, because with 2 kids at home, and my Organization's other responsibilities, 10 hours a week studying was all I could do. So all the amazing wonderful ministry opportunities HAD TO WAIT. I had to learn to say no, say "I am sorry I can't". Having a long term vision is essential, this took me a year to learn and nearly killed me. Sometimes I still cry about it. It's frustrating, but I truly want to learn this language, and it will hurt.

 Every time I drank Coffee, I was reminded by this gift from my language teacher "I promise to learn Montenegrin"

3. ACCEPT YOUR DISADVANTAGES. it took me a few months to realize this, but Americans are stupid. Sorry, when it comes to language we are very stunted. We live on a continent on our own, or at least act like we do, and our minds are not primed to pick up new languages quickly. Just the way it is. I am stupid, it will be harder for me. accepted.

I am dyslexic, spelling will suck for me. THANKFULLY Montenegrin is phonographic language, no weird spelling anomalies. Dyslexia makes me dumber, accepted.

English is widely spoken in many places of the world. 10 year olds here often will speak better English then I will speak Montenegrin after about 2 years. Your friends will often speak English, or decide to learn English and race past you in proficiency. They might be annoyed when you slow the conversation down in your cave man type gurgles. it will suck, you will be annoying and look stupid,  Accept it. (Sometimes locals were even annoyed that we didn't show up already fluent, ha ha, we wish!).

Jesse pulling double duty!

THE BIG ONE. I am a mom. I change 8-18 diapers a day. My kids crawl all over...well, you're a mom... you know. My life is not uninterrupted. If I want to learn I will need quiet alone time to study. In those oh sooooo precious times of nap-time quiet, I would rather be eating chocolate and watching Gilmore Girls. This will suck, Accept it.

Also, eat chocolate and drinking your splurge coffee or coke while studying language is totally acceptable AND if you're having one of 'those days' ditch the grammar book and try to find Gilmore girls on YouTube in your host language!                                                                      
                 

4. HAVE A BALANCE PERSPECTIVE ON LEARNING STYLES....I am not going to get into the immersions/grammar language learning  debate. I am dyslexic and at the beginning I began to think I needed more conversational learning. Not true, I felt that way because I believed I was not learning fast enough.  You need both grammar and conversational practice, you need to force yourself out of the house to sound like an idiot every single day, and you also need to understand the grammar. It is different for every single person, but you do need both, even if you are naturally stronger at one.

5. MIX IT UP. KEEP IT FUN There is no way to explain this but the first year is a real pain. It all sounds like gibberish all the time. Then someone tells you they knew some girl who was fluent in 9 months, and you was to die. With Montenegrin, with 3, 1 hour lessons a week, I just began to grasp the grammar at 9 months. 9 months of studying (3 months past my projected 'done' date) and I finally saw why this grammar rule corresponded with that sentence, why 'the cat chased the mouse', why every word of the sentenced changed if the 'mouse chased the cat' even if the words were in the exact same order. NOW i get it, I understood the meaning behind all the cases and vaguely how to form sentences on my own in past and future tense. I see newbies look at me like I am crazy when I help them, and all i can tell them is "I know, I know, it's crazy, keep trying."

 It is slow! So keep it fun. Here is a list of the ones that personally worked for me IN ADDITION TO LOCAL TUTOR TWICE A WEEK! Underlined are things you can do WHILE the kids are awake!

•  colors and charts of rules

•  LAMP method first few months when I was eager

• research different learning styles

• fantasize about arguing with my husband in another language when we get back to the states

• draw pictures of vocabulary themes an label them. (during art time)

• Use the 'BOOK 2' language free audio downloads on computer and a 3.99 I-pad app containing 100 lessons to listen and practice- best cheap program for a busy mom.The listen feature loops and is excellent while cooking dinner!

• label things around the house

•  Listen to Montenegrin Parliament in the car

•  dance with my kids while shouting commands Montenegrin

• have an hour where me and my husband only spoke Serbian

• Sing local songs, kids songs are great! Add them to playlist and listen over and over!

• talk to local kids, ( I recommend 5 year olds) they are brutal and will scream the correct pronunciation at you when you get it wrong, so fun!

• Organize my language notebooks
         
•  Find a really patient local to speak only in your host language for an hour while still in you 'cave man' vocab stage.

• have facebook chats with locals

• Color coated language study calendars and schedules

•  Flashcards color codes for parts of speech and organized into categories

• I watched movies and cartoons, Pepe Pig is JUST at our level after 15 months. We love it! MOST CARTOONS CAN BE FOUND ON YOUTUBE FOR FREE! 

•  read kids books

• spoke to my children as much as possible in Montenegrin- not for them, for me!

•  send your kid to local preschool so he can be your tutor incognito.

• really anything that is fun, anything, just do it!

• blog about language learning (wink wink)

6. TAKE A BREAK EVERY 6 WEEKS & CEREBRATE VICTORIES

Me and my husband found taking small breaks was really encouraging. It felt like we were so much better after returning from a conference in another country. We probably weren't but feeling like we were was awesome, and who knows maybe the 'sink in' time really does help your brain forward.

Also some days you will feel awful, just awful. Just the other day I called the doctor and was trying to schedule both an appointment for myself and my child with two different doctors, BAD IDEA. it was horrible and I felt soooo stupid after. When you are in this emotional stupid funk, just do something else, don't force yourself to hate it, be chill, You will feel better in a day or so. On the other had you will have 'Yippee" days, write them down, share on Facebook, go have a 'yippee' ice crème.

What happens if you try to study or practice in public with your kids, take your eyes off them for 1 second...

MY Final word. On the other side of the first year...

Again I am writing this because the first year of learning was really hard. It continues to be hard, but actually understanding the woman in front of me in line who is on the phone makes me smile. After 15 months, now I can watch cartoons in Montenegrin and learn, not want to cry! I would have wanted someone to tell me this stuff in the first year. It will feel like you are getting nowhere, YOU ARE. Your brain is learning even if if feels like it shuts down everytime someoone looks at you and says something. IT WILL COME. YOU CAN DO IT. KEEP GOING.

 I still suck so badly, I would not even really call myself 'conversational'. I make more of a fool of myself now that I understand more. For at least a year the montenegrin language was just darkness and some dragons, but now it's funny, now it's tangible, now it feels possible, after 15 months of feeling impossible. NOW I KNOW it is a process, and even after my '5 years' it will be. I wake up every day and force myself to see it as this giant colorful donkey piñata, every day I need to beat at it a few hours, sometimes candy will come out, sometimes just weariness, but long term it will be worth it, now go get yourself an ice crème.

What worked for you? Do you have any funny stories?

Edited note*
 After writing this, I thought of another key element to surviving the first year: My Husband! Jesse was committed to me learning as much as he wanted himself to learn, and I truly could not have done it without him. The first year overseas is very hard for everyone and your husband will be dealing with his own set of expectations and failures. When I decided to 'stay home' more and Jesse a more ;ministry outside the home' role. He still limited himself to 35 ministry hours a week, so that he could pull extra wight around the house, allowing me to have the energy in those quiet moments to study. On your first term, it will will be very difficult to make language learning a priority, while still maintaining your previous or 'American' work schedule as a family. My husband ruly has a servants heart, but being honest and clear about what i needed also helped him meet those needs. I hope you spouse is as awesome as mine!